


what if i become him

by writer_bird



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Is Trying His Best, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Robert Parrish Is His Own Warning, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Unknowable Adam Parrish, adorable couple being adorable, they adopt a kid i don't know why it just Happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:21:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26312548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer_bird/pseuds/writer_bird
Summary: ship related spoilersadam is afraidronan is there
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	what if i become him

what if i become him  
the question burrowed at him as he lay on the green green grass under the blue blue sky  
ronan’s hand in his  
“you won’t” ronan had said when they got married and he saw the fear in his eyes  
“i know” he had said  
but he didn’t mean it  
because how could he not?  
he may be under the trees and the fruit and among the cows and plants and free, but it would always be a part of him. always be in his blood in his veins in his heart in his mind  
the dust and dirt and frigidity of his childhood  
the one room trailer the closet off the main room  
where he couldn’t be seen  
here in the farmhouse he shared a room with ronan  
a big room and it wasn’t the kitchen  
but sometimes when it was early morning and the sun was still sleeping and ronan was still sleeping and the scent of still sleeping cows wafted up, he felt it  
the confines around his heart his mind

what if i become him  
that was the fear in his heart when they signed the papers  
to bring the baby home  
ronan looked at him and fingers intertwined with fingers and thumb stroked the back of hand  
“you won’t” ronan said  
“i know” he said but how could he mean it?  
surely he hadn’t meant it either when he looked at the small child with blue eyes wide and innocent and blue  
but he had  
“you won’t” ronan said again  
he didn’t answer

what if i become him  
he watched the little boy playing, hands wrapped tight around the chains of the swing, legs pumping pumping pumping  
and he imagined himself his veins his mind his heart filling with anger  
he couldn’t picture it but what if  
what if what if  
he couldn’t risk it  
“you won’t.” ronan said when he saw the suitcase. putting one hand on top. “you won’t.”  
“you don’t know that”  
despairing eyes turning to ronan. help me.  
“come here”  
two sets of feet descending the stairs. the sun still sleeping.  
moments later two sets of feet barefoot in the grass outside  
mugs clasped in hands warming them fending off the cold dew of morning  
“look” ronan said  
eyes turned to the sun and the stars and the pink streaks across the sky  
“what” he asked  
“look”  
he took in the beauty  
the stillness  
the birdsong stirring slowly quietly gently quietly  
ronan turned to him  
“that’s what i see when i see you  
not him  
never him”  
but-  
“no”  
what if-  
“never”  
i can’t  
turning away  
hand caught hand  
despairing eyes  
what if i become him  
the question burrowed into him invading his mind his heart his veins his soul  
“you won’t”  
and he believed him  
adam believed him


End file.
